As everybun knows, I have a problem with nightmares. I've told Adrabun about the way I'll wake up and absolutely lose it because of them. It's like I think I'm still in the dream. I've had a couple of these episodes since being with Rei and there have been times where she's literally had to hold me down. But when she does this, I'll often kick, claw and scream and I've hurt her. Not bad, but I don't want to hurt her or anyone... It happened last night/early this morning and it was bad.
I "woke up" from the dream and started hitting her, just sort of flailing and screaming for whoever was trying to hurt me to get off of me and leave me alone. She was awake so she was able to defend herself, but then I jumped on/tackled her... I'm such a fucking mess and I hate myself right now, I really fucking do.
I can't believe I did that. With everything she's got going on with her back and being so upset about Timothy having to go home, then I cause her more pain... She's ok, I didn't do any serious damage, but when she was struggling with me to calm me down she let out this shriek of pain that almost made my ears bleed, I know it broke my heart. :(
I felt so bad and like I had to get away, I threw on some clothes, grabbed my purse and makeup bag and my phone and came to work at 5:30 AM. I sat here and cried until it hurt. She wasn't even mad. When I was leaving she kept asking what was the matter and begging me not to go. I've talked to and texted her throughout the day and she just wants me home, especially with Timothy having gone home which just about killed her emotionally. She nearly had a nervous breakdown at the airport...
I'm gonna go home tonight, but I'm so nervous. I keep getting the jmage of us getting into a huge fight and I know it won't happen but I'm afraid. I feel so bad and so guilty... I love you, Rei, please forgive me? I'll work on my problems more, I promise. I don't ever want to hurt you in any way, shape or form. That I have hurts me, too, and I feel like the biggest piece of garbage in the world...
♥Lacebun♡
I can't forgive you when there's nothing to forgive. I'm not mad or upset or hurt, none of that. You didn't deliberately hurt me. You have a mental illness, baby doll. You have no control over any of that and if I have to break my back to help you, you can bet I'll do it. Please come home to me... It's the highlight of my day. I'm gonna go to your therapy appointment with you tomorrow and see if we can get you in with the psychiatrist sooner. We'll get you through it, Usagi. Please don't keep beating yourself up over this, I'm fine. I just want you. How about a nice bath tonight, honey? We could both use it today. I love you, Lacey. Please don't think that will ever change.
ReplyDeleteRachael
Oh Lacebun. This isn't your fault. I always feel fuck-awful when I do something I think is horrid and it's not me, it's the horrible thing that's wrong with me. I'm actually not surprised at all that this happened. The usual stress shot way up with Timothy leaving and you knowing Reibun was upset, etc. That kind of thing always gives me more nightmares. It's okay, sweetness. Patrick once woke me up in a particularly tense dream and I came very close to decking him. Which would be rather dangerous for him, with the damn martial arts training. My mom has a history of shrieking with terror and digging her nails into my dad's back in panic over something or other. You're definitely not alone. Please don't beat yourself up about it (although easier said than done, I know...), and just try to recognize that Rei loves you and is all right. Snuggling and sharing love is the best thing for both of you right now. I love you, Lacebun. Try not to worry, okay? ❤️
ReplyDeleteI seriously have the best wife and friend in the world... You girls are the most understanding and caring people I've ever known. I love you both, too, and thank you for being so awesome about this. Reibun has been so loving and sweet to me since I got home tonight. Even with her pain and being upset over Timothy leaving, she put it aside for me... Dinner, dessert, and we did have a lovely bath. :) Thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. I love you both so very much. *Hugs & Bunny Kisses*
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