Restless

I'm sorry I haven't emailed anyone or been around online much at all lately. I've been dealing with a lot of mental stuff lately and I'm just very withdrawn from almost everything. I can't sleep because of nightmares and anxiety. The lack of sleep isn't helping the anxiety and it's been depressing me, too.

I'm home from work today, the only thing I've done is go to therapy. It helps, but bringing up the past still takes a toll in every which way. Today the session focussed a lot around my fear of the dark. It got brought up (again) because of the storms the other day. I dread losing power and being stuck in the dark even if someone is with me, it makes me feel claustrophobic and I panic.

The reason for that is because Brianne and her friends thought it was funny to lock me in the basement of our old house when I was little (3-4 y/o), knowing I couldn't reach the pull-string to turn the light on. They'd do it when my parents would go out or if they went to bed early. Even though the basement stuff stopped, she'd still find ways to put me in dark spaces like closets. And we lived in the middle of nowhere to boot. If you've ever been to a REALLY rural area without streetlights or traffic, you know what THAT kind of darkness is. Rei said it's the same way in Northern NH.

It's not just that, it's a lot of things. My neck is acting up, I still haven't had a period and it's all just gotten the better of me. I keep having violent rape nightmares and I'm very paranoid. I keep thinking there are people hiding and wanting to jump out at me or that there are people behind me waiting for me to go somewhere where there aren't any people so they can hurt me. If Brianne were around, she'd tell me to get over myself...

Sorry for the depressing post, everybun. I'm gonna go take a Valium and play games...

♥Lacey♡