Lacey goes grocery shopping.

I don't do a lot of shopping in stores or malls. I get insanely nervous around lots of people, especially men. Most of the things I buy, I get online. When I DO go shopping in public, I usually like to have someone with me. If I frequent a store enough and I get to know the people who work there a bit, I can handle going alone. (Most of the Gamestops in this area of the state know me by name!)

With Rei not feeling well, there's no way I could ask her to go with me and I was in the mood for something snacky. Plus, I wanted to get some things for her so she can eat while I'm at work if she wants. I drove to Stop & Shop and it wasn't that busy, which was relieving. Most of the time I'm in grocery stores, most of the shoppers are female so that's also a plus.

Believe it or not, I handled this extremely well. I didn't feel like people were staring or wanted to hurt me. I got lots of goodies, payed for my things and wheeled my cart out to my car. I started putting things in the trunk and then an employee collecting carts came along and offered to help while I was struggling with a 24 pack of bottled water on the bottom of the cart. I shut down... All he was trying to do was help and I acted like he didn't exist. He asked if I was ok and I just nodded and managed to squeak out "I've got it, thanks." He probably didn't even hear me.

I'm gonna tell you why I'm like this. The only one that knows the whole story is Rei, and I can't keep carrying this around.

I've been with two people in my life. Rei and my ex-boyfriend who, at one point, was the only one I thought I'd ever be with. I'd known him since I was 10, considered him a good friend. Then we started hanging out more when I was 15 and it became romantic. I was with him for over 4 years and it wasn't perfect, but I was reasonably happy.

When I was 19, I was getting my Microsoft certification and Software Applications Specialist degree and he'd been talking about having a family. I just wanted to finish school, but he talked me into (almost, thankfully) giving it up and having a baby. We tried all the time and he started getting frustrated that it wasn't happening. He even accused me of taking birth control drugs behind his back. I ended up going to see my doctor and found out that I couldn't have babies. It depressed the hell out of me and I waited a few days before I told him. He wasn't supportive in the least. One night it came to a head. I was at his place in bed reading and he had a friend over watching TV with him. He'd been drinking and smoking weed and he came in the room and just looked at me in disgust. He came over to me and told me I was a barren waste of life... I didn't know what to say. He told me he didn't want me and that nobody would when they found out I couldn't bear them children. I've never been so hurt by words, I just got out of the bed and slapped him. He grabbed me, threw me on the floor and started raping me and berating me, spitting on me and when he was done, he put his hands around my throat and squeezed as hard as he could. Somehow, I broke away long enough to scream and I knocked a lamp over which alerted his friend who was able to pull him off. I dialed 911 and he was arrested and later sentenced to 7 years.

So, yeah...